Glutton

What is it then?
Its true that you're here. Its true that you just paid for a whiskey. That reminds me. Ech. You can wash windows with this shit. There's the burn though, makes me feel all nice & cozy. A woman led you here. You traced your memories out to queens. Bedbugs. This cycle is vicious. I'm positive thanksgiving is a bullshit holiday. Thankful for what? Jesus. Be happy that you're alive. Save your thanks & your praise, I deserve nor want either.
I'm finding that the solution to this whole mess is to bury myself in cunt. I like booze enough, but it doesn't hold me. I drop the pants, climb in, & set up for the foreseeable future. I tend to walk out drenched in all regards, but at least I get to push the pain off for a little while.
This bar-top isn't level, everything keeps sliding away. I'll consider that a microcosm. How much is too much? Honestly. On that note as well, what is vice? What a load of nonsense, this idea of vice. You do what you do & you use these supposed "ills" to your advantage. Addictions are for the weak kneed. That's not entirely true. I know some tough motherfuckers who've smelled the earth.
Someone recently told me that I was a glutton for suffering.
I think they were right.

19:06

I've got dirt on my hands. I've been running. I recognize it. Not sure where to. The only saving grace is that eventually I'll end up somewhere. Long trips. Long, long, long. I can't break it. A long pause. I stare at you dead in the face. Nothing to say. You once told me a story of your youth. You made a bad choice you said. You left one for another. You regretted that. I told you the same thing. In that moment, by your door, when we locked eyes, that moment lasted for a long time. I told you you were going to regret it & I left.
You did the same thing.
I guess some people just don't learn from their mistakes.
I'm still helping you & you don't even know it. That conversation you had with her? That was me. You take a trip for 2 days. Try & distract yourself. The white lady was there & she brought booze. He read me some Henry Miller, something about swelling cunts. The day broke & neither of us knew.
I was angry that night after dealing with the game so I took a walk to find someone to take it all out on.
A whole lot of nothing.
I'm full of shit.
At least I'm honest. I'd like to think that's a rare quality, but who am I kidding?
Whatever.
I asked her for a nude photo & so as to make her feel comfortable, I offered one in exchange. I then suggested that we fuck & she could take it or leave it. Most of all I wanted the photograph & could give a damn whether we did or not, I was just angry. She agreed & we walked to the basement. I guess she appreciated the honesty. We undressed slowly, or at least I felt slow about it; booze. I positioned her, took the picture & handed her the camera. She snapped one of me, nearly identical to mine of her. She said something about meeting a friend so we got dressed & fucked off.
I don't know what it is, or how you do it, but I think this game is rigged.
People expect bullshit, so we've created bullshit, on top that pre-existing bullshit, to respond to some other type of bullshit, which inevitably ends up still being bullshit.
We've created all of this bullshit to make things easy.
We've created all of this bullshit to boost our own inflated sense of self.
I think you gotta get out there. Sometimes I don't eat. I barely get by. It does something for you though. You learn to understand your own nothingness & the beauty that is that in those types of situations. When your stomach is on fire & you feel on the verge of puking & that subsides because you've smoked enough cigarettes to curb your appetite, you really learn to cut the bullshit 'cause most of it ain't really important.
Being alive is a good thing & I'm happy for it.

Leave

Remember that thing you told me about regret?
Well, you'll regret this one too.

13:50, P.M.

Two Pilsners

Here I am, carrying your socks around with me in my pocket like a goddamn lunatic. I used them as gloves. Kept my hands warm. I swell with anger. My tide recedes, then the anger turns into nothing. Kind of like how footprints wash away in the sand. Or some other bullshit. Allegorical nonsense. Whaddya got left? Well, for starters, you've got your hands, that's pretty huge. People ask me how I'm doing & I tell them that I'm alive. That's a good thing. I think. Being alive is tough though; most things are aimless, arbitrary. Whatever. Kind of like this diatribe I'm going on. Although, there are moments of good. I suppose nothing is without its opposite. I'll spare you anymore.
& I step down off of my soapbox.
Young,
dumb,
Hopeful, & full of beer.
I stare off.
You're here.
That bridge,
big & beautiful,
tired & weathered like me.
& I pause.
A refrain.
Love, swelling.
Rising.
& I'll say no more,
because something's are better off felt.
Myself & the hole that is in me.
All is okay.

Now I think I know what you meant when you told me you hated me.

Miss

I miss it. I missed it. I miss those smells. I miss that voluminous gaze. I miss the valley, oh how I do. Remember that one time? I remember them all. I've missed it. Rapture. Infinite complacency. I missed the signs. The exit. That place. I miss a certain type of blue. Bullets & bullets, chains atop chains that you wrangle me in with. I'm locked in your cellar. I missed it. Then, not now. I see it. In some other town, you'll be there. It'll be there. It's always with you. Bound to mediocrity now. There ain't nothing there. You've missed it too. You have your own chains, kept tied up by another. Hazy rooms, cigar smoke & the smell of cognac. A gamble you've taken. Nothing. There ain't nothing. Use that, if you want. Happiness CAN be vice. A motherfucker, destined to achieve that which is so easy to find. A man of simple. Redundant. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. This way, up here, you can have it. It's a hard climb up, but at the peak is a view insuperable to anything down there. I'm no shepherd, but I am a rock. I've missed it & now you do too. I'll set up here for a while, that's alright. Good things never come easy.

Why/How

Can you understand it? I cant. Or, at least I don't think I do. The rapid movement of my right hand makes the table shake, which leads me to see the liquid in my drink quiver. Periphery. Pulp. They say your periphery is better than your straight on. I won't take their word for it though, I have no idea who "they" are. Still here. Sort of. You take 5 steps back. I was sitting on a curb the other day, early morning, still drunk, that big, beautiful sun shitting all over my face. Some guy with a scar on his face walks by & I ask him, "Hey, you ever been in love"? He pauses. "I've been married 4 times, I learned to let go". "You have a nice day". I'm trying to fill up the dark spaces in my mind, the hole thats in my chest. These bottles sure as hell ain't no gauze. That wound there is still gaping, that blood still flows freely. I watch it wind its way down towards my dick. That asshole. I let him get too far ahead of himself, think too much for me. Now look at us. He's covered in blood (not to say that blood isn't something he's not used to being around), & I'm twiddling my thumbs, blundering. It ain't about WHY, it's about HOW. Speaking of which, what the hell are you going on about?

Osmosis

No, no. That ain't it. Ramble some more. He was a sick son of a bitch. In & out, always offering you a bump or 2. Only in exchange for something, though. I saw him move back & forth real fast like the way a body does after its neck's been snapped. Going on & on about god or something, blowing hot air onto anyone close enough to stand listening to him talk. Thankfully it was cold outside, it sure as hell kept me warm. It's cold now too. You laid on the floor with her. She told you you were handsome. I needed that at the time, things were looking grim. These GODDAMN aloe plants. The Wolf. I hung around one for a while, it spoke a language I barely understood. I liked it though. It told me things I'll never know, sent out into the ether. Some lucky son of a bitch probably got the satisfaction out of those words just by virtue of osmosis. I could've used those words then too. It's still cold. You come up, you come down. You've felt it all. Now, you feel nothing. A little taste & you'll be back. I'm not really sure if it's such a bad thing.